I take it all back...

Be Careful what you wish for folks. I just HAD to open my big mouth. Had to say I wanted a tear or two from my little girl. *shakes head* Really? I didn't MEAN IT!!! I SWEAR!!
But It was too late. The words were spoken and apparently someone was listening. If I knew I would have asked for something much cooler.
This Morning, day 5 of "preschool" for my baby, she decides she is not going. When she woke up she was all stoked to go. So we take her brother to school, and then across the street for hers. We pull in and she says "I don't WANT to go to school today." So I say, "you have to baby, Mommy has to go to school too." She says: "I don't want to. I QUIT!" you quit? What? who is this kid? We proceeded to walk into the center and to her class. She is still telling me she doesn't want to go. On we walk. We get in, put her back pack in her cubby and she goes to wash her hands. I look at her face in the mirror, and true to her little sweet self, she is trying not to cry. Forcing her self to hold it in. She always does that. She doesn't want to cry so she tries to stop. She even did this when she burned herself on my curling iron. YEAH. Wiping the tears off her own face telling me she is fine... Anyway, so I look at her, tears welling up in her eyes, lip trembling, cheeks getting red, and ask "Baby, Whats wrong?" And she loses it. She starts crying. "I don't want to be in school, I just want to go home. I want to be with you". I try to explain again that Mommy has to go to school just like her and her brother and Just like daddy has to go to work everyday. She isn't having it. "I don't WANT you to go to school. I want to go home" she cries pitifully.
This just rips my heart out. Because the one major thing about me going back to school that KILLS me, is this. That she isn't going to be with me. That someone else is going to be taking care of her all day long. Starting next week she is going to be going 2 hours earlier. Talk about making you feel like a giant pile of crap.
I held her while she cried into my hair. Crying like she rarely does. Not the I'm throwing a fit because I'm not getting what I want crying, because she does that. Very Well. This was the I'm really sad and upset, why have you done this to me kind of crying. I tried to get her into doing things with her new friends. She seemed ok for a second and them BAM... the sobbing starts again. Her teacher takes her to the WAVING WINDOW where she holds her while she is sobbing and crying for me and I'm supposed walk out the door. Past the window looking at her with a lump in my throat. She is reaching out for me crying "MOMMY!!!".
I sat in the car crying for a while. Just thinking "WTF was I thinking?" Why the FRIG did I ask for this again?" I take it back. Please lets not have this happen again. Let her forget about me as soon as she walks through the door. I'm fine with that. Just not this. Not the GIANT heaping pile of guilt. No more heartbreaking tears from my baby. Please. I WAS KIDDING!!! Yes people. Be careful. Very careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

Just CRY already!

Ok, I'm being selfish. I don't REALLY want you to cry. Well... maybe a little. I mean you could spare me a tear or two. After Everything I have done for you. All the meals, all the sleepless nights, the endless breastfeeding, Kissing of boo-boos, breaking up fights between you and your brother . Do I even NEED to mention the fact that you used to think poo was for painting with? For that alone I deserve buckets of tears. Maybe as many as I cried while scrubbing poo out of the carpets , and off the walls, and out of your hair every FREAKIN day. All those reasons aside: I CREATED you. Can't I get just one flippin tear?! I take you to your very first day of "preschool" and this is what I get. You, striking a pose, looking insanely cute, and happy as pie. HAPPY. Sheesh. Where is the kicking and screaming and begging "MOMMY DON'T LEAVE ME!" Huh? Can't I get one of those? At least you didn't give one to Dad either (that would have had me in a state). For that, I think I may forgive you. Just this once.

I'm very Glad that you at least stuck on my side while trying to find a place to sit, and while meeting your teachers. That made me feel good. I was at least needed for that! It was nice to know you were just the tiniest bit apprehensive with all these strangers.


It didn't last long though did it? Give you a paint brush and some glue and you are happy as pie. Who needs parents? "Bye Dad!! Love you!". A kiss and a wave for mom, and you were just fine with us walking out that door. "Um hello!! We are leaving!? Don't you want to throw yourself at my legs now , clinging on and begging me not to go? "

Perfectly content to do your project! If I hadn't called your name you probably wouldn't have even noticed us leaving!

Well, at least one of us shed some tears. Mom barely made it to the car. I tried like hell not to. But you are my BABY. And someone else is going to be hangin out with you during the day and probably entertaining you better than I do. And I am going to be home all alone for the next week ( a shame I know), wandering the house wishing you were here (or taking a nap, whatever).

In all honesty, I'm very glad you didn't cry and carry on. I am so glad that you love school so much. It just makes me feel much better about going back to school myself. Knowing that you aren't sitting there all day crying and wanting your mom. That would just break my heart. I will admit though, when the teachers told me that you asked them to call me cause you were ready to come home , It made me feel a little better. At least I'm not totally expendable. Even if it was only because you didn't want to do what they were doing. You are something else monkey! I love you.

P.S. QUIT growing would you?!!! I don't know how much more I can handle.

Wanna Ride Bikes?

Ever Heard that Joke? Heheh. If not, sorry, its an ADHD joke and I wouldn't want to offend any one. Oh who am I kidding?!! I don't care : How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

"Wanna Ride bikes?" *she says looking away absentmindedly*

HAHAHAH!!! Funny right? And oh so freakin true. Only in our case today it was :How many 7 year old kids with ADHD does it take to learn how to ride a bike?

"What kind of bug is that? I have to blow my nose. Look at the rock on the ground. I'm thirsty, what was that sound?"

Yep you heard right, my 7 year old still has yet to learn how to ride a bike. Why? Not for lack of trying. Although, we did give up for a while just to save our sanity and to prevent him from getting hit by a car or running into a parked one. This was WITH training wheels people. Yeah. The kid couldn't look straight ahead. He actually showed interest in Riding today *GASP* and asked to take the training wheels off. Might have something to do with the fact that he is grounded from Video games, but I'll take it. SOOOOO Today we took the training wheels off!! It was an adventure. No broken limbs or gaping flesh wounds. So all in all, a good time. He actually did pretty well for his first day sans training wheels. I'm pretty proud. Thank you Adderall. Although, the above made up joke... about the bugs and such? Yeah that was today. Even on the meds! lol That's my BOY!!! And his poor scrawny body (probably partly due to the wonderful Adderall) had a hard time with the whole pushing of the pedals. Skinny skinny gamer child *shakes head*. Little sister didn't help much trying to RAM into him every chance she got on her little trike. Such a little snot! lol We still have a lot of work to do to get him able to ride on his own. Without us there to catch him. And to learn how to TURN. But good day none the less. I even let him fall a couple of times so he could learn how to catch himself. THAT was actually kinda hard. But like I said, he came out IN TACT so no harm done. Right?

Another Milestone tomorrow. Baby girls first day in "preschool" aka Childcare. I'm freaking out a little. This is my BABY. And its making me want ANOTHER baby cause she is growing up too fast. But I don't WANT another baby really, so I'm just going to have to suck it up and cry in private. Plus she needs to go so I can go back to school full time (next week EEK), and she needs some interaction with other kids now that she is almost 4! Time to cut the cord a little huh? It's bad. The only people who have ever babysat my kids are our parents and a close friend or 2 a hand full of times. And by hand full I mean I can probably count them on one hand. Really. I'm a little nuts like that sometimes. I blame the military life. Really, it can't be me. Its just that we aren't USED to people being around to count on so we count on ourselves. So, like I said. TOTALLY the fault of the MIL life. Anyway, Wish me luck tomorrow. Hope she has a good day and she can pry me off of her when its time to leave. Its supposed to be the other way around. I know. So sue me.