I take it all back...

Be Careful what you wish for folks. I just HAD to open my big mouth. Had to say I wanted a tear or two from my little girl. *shakes head* Really? I didn't MEAN IT!!! I SWEAR!!
But It was too late. The words were spoken and apparently someone was listening. If I knew I would have asked for something much cooler.
This Morning, day 5 of "preschool" for my baby, she decides she is not going. When she woke up she was all stoked to go. So we take her brother to school, and then across the street for hers. We pull in and she says "I don't WANT to go to school today." So I say, "you have to baby, Mommy has to go to school too." She says: "I don't want to. I QUIT!" you quit? What? who is this kid? We proceeded to walk into the center and to her class. She is still telling me she doesn't want to go. On we walk. We get in, put her back pack in her cubby and she goes to wash her hands. I look at her face in the mirror, and true to her little sweet self, she is trying not to cry. Forcing her self to hold it in. She always does that. She doesn't want to cry so she tries to stop. She even did this when she burned herself on my curling iron. YEAH. Wiping the tears off her own face telling me she is fine... Anyway, so I look at her, tears welling up in her eyes, lip trembling, cheeks getting red, and ask "Baby, Whats wrong?" And she loses it. She starts crying. "I don't want to be in school, I just want to go home. I want to be with you". I try to explain again that Mommy has to go to school just like her and her brother and Just like daddy has to go to work everyday. She isn't having it. "I don't WANT you to go to school. I want to go home" she cries pitifully.
This just rips my heart out. Because the one major thing about me going back to school that KILLS me, is this. That she isn't going to be with me. That someone else is going to be taking care of her all day long. Starting next week she is going to be going 2 hours earlier. Talk about making you feel like a giant pile of crap.
I held her while she cried into my hair. Crying like she rarely does. Not the I'm throwing a fit because I'm not getting what I want crying, because she does that. Very Well. This was the I'm really sad and upset, why have you done this to me kind of crying. I tried to get her into doing things with her new friends. She seemed ok for a second and them BAM... the sobbing starts again. Her teacher takes her to the WAVING WINDOW where she holds her while she is sobbing and crying for me and I'm supposed walk out the door. Past the window looking at her with a lump in my throat. She is reaching out for me crying "MOMMY!!!".
I sat in the car crying for a while. Just thinking "WTF was I thinking?" Why the FRIG did I ask for this again?" I take it back. Please lets not have this happen again. Let her forget about me as soon as she walks through the door. I'm fine with that. Just not this. Not the GIANT heaping pile of guilt. No more heartbreaking tears from my baby. Please. I WAS KIDDING!!! Yes people. Be careful. Very careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

Just CRY already!

Ok, I'm being selfish. I don't REALLY want you to cry. Well... maybe a little. I mean you could spare me a tear or two. After Everything I have done for you. All the meals, all the sleepless nights, the endless breastfeeding, Kissing of boo-boos, breaking up fights between you and your brother . Do I even NEED to mention the fact that you used to think poo was for painting with? For that alone I deserve buckets of tears. Maybe as many as I cried while scrubbing poo out of the carpets , and off the walls, and out of your hair every FREAKIN day. All those reasons aside: I CREATED you. Can't I get just one flippin tear?! I take you to your very first day of "preschool" and this is what I get. You, striking a pose, looking insanely cute, and happy as pie. HAPPY. Sheesh. Where is the kicking and screaming and begging "MOMMY DON'T LEAVE ME!" Huh? Can't I get one of those? At least you didn't give one to Dad either (that would have had me in a state). For that, I think I may forgive you. Just this once.

I'm very Glad that you at least stuck on my side while trying to find a place to sit, and while meeting your teachers. That made me feel good. I was at least needed for that! It was nice to know you were just the tiniest bit apprehensive with all these strangers.


It didn't last long though did it? Give you a paint brush and some glue and you are happy as pie. Who needs parents? "Bye Dad!! Love you!". A kiss and a wave for mom, and you were just fine with us walking out that door. "Um hello!! We are leaving!? Don't you want to throw yourself at my legs now , clinging on and begging me not to go? "

Perfectly content to do your project! If I hadn't called your name you probably wouldn't have even noticed us leaving!

Well, at least one of us shed some tears. Mom barely made it to the car. I tried like hell not to. But you are my BABY. And someone else is going to be hangin out with you during the day and probably entertaining you better than I do. And I am going to be home all alone for the next week ( a shame I know), wandering the house wishing you were here (or taking a nap, whatever).

In all honesty, I'm very glad you didn't cry and carry on. I am so glad that you love school so much. It just makes me feel much better about going back to school myself. Knowing that you aren't sitting there all day crying and wanting your mom. That would just break my heart. I will admit though, when the teachers told me that you asked them to call me cause you were ready to come home , It made me feel a little better. At least I'm not totally expendable. Even if it was only because you didn't want to do what they were doing. You are something else monkey! I love you.

P.S. QUIT growing would you?!!! I don't know how much more I can handle.

Missing Friends...

Military life. It has its charms, its benefits, its sense of belonging and duty and patriotism.... yada yada. But one thing that I don't think I will ever get used to is leaving friends. The hubs grew up like this, so for him its "normal". For me, not so much. I grew up with the same people my whole life until I joined the Air Force, I am still friends with some of the people I was in 3rd and 4th grade with. So to me, not so normal. When I make a friend, a TRUE friend, I will do pretty much anything for you and we will be friends for a very long time. That's just how I am (or was apparently). Its not easy to settle into a place and create real friendships when you are moving around all the time. ESPECIALLY when you are a Stay At Home Mom, with no flippin LIFE outside your immediate Family. So when you find those friends and you become so close and your daily life almost always includes them, it is so friggen hard to leave them. When you spend Family dinners and Holidays and share milestones and run errands together, it changes part of your life when you leave, or when they do. You will remain friends, even close ones, but its just NOT THE SAME! The one benefit is that the bonds that you create are strong because without Family around, you create your own extended family. So in the end, you have close friends all over the world. Not a bad thing. My Best Friend lives in Italy. And I got to go see her! HOW fantastic is that? I miss Her Dearly though. She is the Ethel to My Lucy. She is the person I can tell EVERYTHING to. The person I would do ANYTHING for. And I would be so happy to live in the SAME STATE at least/
But I miss the Thanksgivings together , the Christmas parties, and the random shopping together, and sharing kids milestones, and even yelling at each others kids like you yell at your own. Because they feel like your family, and why not treat them like it? When we left our Last base, we left our close friends who we called our Step Family because we spent all our time together. How I miss the chaos. I miss their little girl, and I miss the twins. I missed their First Birthday, and their First steps and it kills me. I was looking at her Facebook page and the Pictures of their daughters First Day of Kindergarten. And the pics of the Twins who are now almost 18months old. They look HUGE. And I cried. Because I missed them, and I cried because My BUBS will not know who I am the next time I see him. My Friend Ashley, I miss her honesty and her humor, and I miss venting on the phone and escaping the hectic houses together. Hanging out in each others messy house and not feeling embarrassed because its "just them". I miss having BACKUP!!! Once, we were in Target will all 5 of our kids ( I know, NOT SMART, we should have known) and the kids were TERRIBLE (shocker). And My son, who if you have read my blogs, you know has some issues. Well, all hell broke loose. And I was carrying a screaming kid over my shoulder while pushing a stroller and carrying bags. She was still paying at the register and was following closely behind. This random woman who is coming out of the bathroom, I'll call her "Bitch", Pipes in "SOMEONE needs to get control of her kids". Oh, no, WTH, I HATE THAT. Well, I didn't hear this. But my BACKUP did!! hehehe so Ashley looks at her and says "Mind your F*ing Business! Who the hell are you?! Mom of the F*ing year?". THANK YOU ASHLEY for having my back. Thank you for Not being afraid to cuss out a stranger. After this Target episode we called BOTH of our husbands and demanded they come pick up "their" children. They did, and we continued shopping. In peace. I miss Midnight to 3 am Walmart Trips when the base gate is closed and we have no where else to go.
I digress, Having to leave friends really Bites the Big One. And Today I just found out that they got orders to a base RIGHT BY my awesome in-laws! I'm so freakin Jealous! How awesome would it be to finally live by family. We would have our Real Family and our "Step Family"!! Ugh, I wish we could just move. Damn it.